if boys dressed like boys

if boys dressed like girls and girls dressed like boys. i think socity would be diffrent. would the "boy " clothing have more girlish patterns to have more soft feminity, or woild they be like the clothes boys where now?
would boys wear makeup? would girls still be the weaker gender? for wearing pants. and tee shirts. real men wear high heels. would me have to fjjjfjfjfjf sit like women do or would they still sit spreed legged? would there be dress codes what is popper length skirts? would gender roles still be the same? would a mother spend time cleaning the house in a suit, while her husband goes to work in a new skirt and blouse? what about trans people? would they still be considered strange? or would gender  still be a strongly protected thing? would there be drag kings, women who dress in gowns and put fake beards on? would there be more shops or men or women? would men still not care about fashion? or have they seemingly not cared form lack of options? if given a choice would more men dress in dresses? is clothing a gender role we uphold?

what if i built a cabin

i love small houses. probably because i see myself living alone. but a cabin in the woods seems perfect to me.
i could fill my whole yard with flowers, no grass. or plants i could eat or just let moss take the whole place over. the house i want to be small and warm but efferent. technology is a wonderful thing, i think my cabin would have a workshop, where i can build myself new furniture and art, i would be happiest making things
i want a loft bed, it makes the bed seem warm and small, like the house is holding you. i want the mattress on the floor with tons of pillows and blankets, so i can sleep as strange as i want and still be warm. i want mirrors in the cabin across from all the windows, so i can see outside everywhere. i want a stove and a little fridge, so i can make tons of food if i want to, or not eat at all. i want a massive bathtub. with salts and soap and books to read, that stays heated so i can soak forever. i want paint. i want to paint my cabin any way i choose. what i think looks nice, not for anybody else. i want a sewing machine, so i can make clothes, that i like, made to fit me. i want things that glow around my cabin so i can see the shadows of the trees and so i can go out at night. i want a cabin in the woods to be solar powered or powered by the wind. i want no one to know im there, cut down no trees, just leave the cabin to rot after im gone full of mirrors

what if i could answer my phone

i get nervous a lot i have a hard time talking to people. so any time my phone buzzes or rings my stomach twists. confrontation. i have to respond not like in life where i have carefully rehearsed lines
"how are you?"
"good thanks."
this is something new, do you want to go out tonight, can you pick up some milk on the way home, do you think birds have feelings?
"um"
i think i take to long to think, i make a lull in real conversation, thinking to much, thinking on any thing but small talk.
"how is your mom? i haven't seen here in a while"
"she is fine"
i murmur my why through food orders, i try to use the self check out at grocery stores, i walk face to the floor to avoid people looking, speaking, to me.
i have to respond to a text. little blinking conversations on my phone loud angry buzzing when they arrive. but they give me time to think. better late than never. i can think over things as long as i need. it might take me 10 minutes to respond but i have the question of a doubt. maybe she was studying, maybe she was in the shower maybe she did not hear it. when really i am holding my phone staring blankly typing and deleting 3 messages. but i think i am getting better, i can talk to my friends, and my family with ease, but new classmates, my job, they make me afraid.
"how are you?"
"nauseous from social interaction"

what if

1. i got more dermals
2. ate meat
3. never got sick
4. never died
5. died right now
   never got into music
6. dated a girl 
7. dated a boy
8. ate jelly beans for every meal
9. moved out
10. ran a better blog
11. became famous
12. became homeless
13. worked on arts
14. became a hermit
15. moved to the mountains
16. built a cabin
17. could do what i wanted
18. i believed in a god
19. was a boy
20. wore what i want
21. got food after school
22. i could talk to people 
23. had a different name
24. could answer my phone
25. i could drive
26. what if i left everyone
27. became some one new
28. i started to love my self
29. wore ball gowns
30. shoved my head
31. grew a beard
32. dyed my hair pink
33. lived how i wanted

looping with free writing

fear
i am afraid of being a parrent o i am so afraid of messing antoher persdon up. how do you teacha peerson to have morals? to ttttttt olove themselves? i am so afaid. i dont want children but someday my partner might itkdkjfafjklajg i t could tairkdfj tear us apart

i am afraid of adulthood. haveing a job and living on my owh own seems sos so scary. what if i fail.





when i was amall i was afraid of the dark, and of spiders. but those are normal feers fears i thikk think . i am afraid now for filing classes i will have wasted so much money, somuch of peoples time for nothing. i am afraid i will be noyhing. noone will know me love me care about me. i will die . my parents will die my sister and grandmothers will die and i will no longer know the mmm they andi will bcome a faded picture of an unkown aunt when they ment the world tome
i am afaid to walk home at night. if i get hurt it is my fult, i was out at night.
i am afraid of people they can break me. i am afraid my friekdjf my friends do not like me, they are just pretending, and they all tlk talk my greatest fears. i am afraid of sickness they will tke people away. i am afraid of bandswasdafsdgjakhg BANDSAWS they sound loud and have no gard and are so easy to csnap and so easy to cut your finger off eith with. i drop things and i jump i am afaid to smach things. i am afraid of the cold it is so lonely. i am afaid of my self, the call of the void to trow things out windows and jump from high places. i am afraid

Call of the void
call of the void  it is those twisty thoughts that pop up out of nowhere. like wanting to throw things out car windows while driveing or wanting to jump off of high places. it freaks me out that my mind can just think of these things swerve in to that light pole. with depression i am the most afaid, leave and never come bavk swollow a whole bottle of pills. sometimes i do not know if it is me thinking these things or the foid. "you are ugly and no one likes tou" me " that sharp peincel could go right in your eye" void. easy. but somrthines it is harder, like i dont desere nice things" and trow your pone out of your car. or compleatly ratonlalizing leaveing every thing and every one because of a twisty thought . i am afraid of amny things the void says " there is someone behind you" and my sikin crawls i have to look. the Void says" soomeone will grab my hand if it hangs off the bed" i pull my hand up THE Void says many things and i compusive ly listen sometimes  other things freak mo out in the most alameing way like ": that saw could easly take your hand off, touch it." or "those hedge clippers could cut right through you dont trip"  i think everyone has a little bit of a void, the devil on your sholder. alarming thoughts from nowhere but how often is normakl am i sick? do i need to see a head doctor? take pills? go to  a funny farm?

touch it
i always tough things when i am in a store. pet fuzzy plakents touch the fruit, tap om boxes . i like to tough things . so i think it is not that weird to have facxcjv favorite textures,. i love plush things. the foam and stuffing make the object seem warm and sinking youour sdkfjaks; your hand on to it is nice. slick things old records, polished steel glazed pots i love any thing with a gloss, it is cold, and smooth but it has some kind of underlying texture, ile the grog in clay, the groves of a record, the feeling of an object being filled with water. as a kid i loved  my magig eight ball, not because of the questions to ask but the feeling of sometihnig moving trough water and touching the inside, same with stress balls , felling the sand move in and out kolidascopes with the beads shifting in your hand and eyes. i hate clod simy things. bacon from the fridge. half melted icecream, mushrooms in the morning. i hate the feeling of flesh giving and being cold, leaving things on my hands.  touch it pay it watchit . fsdkfja fff  i like to touch sharp things, not enough to cut or stick my self, but to feel the sharpness, needels, catui, andclip pins. the surface of water on a dry hand, barely toughing the water feeling the surface tention move up form the water on to your hand. pummace stone is lovely shaped to hold but rough to strip away

jung typology test

i got INTP  Introversion iNtuition Thinking and Perceiving
i feel this is close to who i am, i am very introverted, and i spend most of my time thinking things over in my head.

and i do tend to go my own way or work my way through things at my own pace.
but i am very detail oriented, i love to draw expanded blue prints or objects from several angles, so when most intp's gloss over detail i love it.

most of the jobs listed are totally over my head, like a neurologist, but i could see my self being a historian, product designer, or architect.

cliff diving

10 min prompt

my dad has always taken us camping. mostly at table rock lake.  most of the time i spent camping i would stay on the beach, collecting shells, bits of glass and sticks. i love the lake, because the flooding of the valley has washed away all the dirt, and left long stretches of Ozark limestone out in the air. sometimes the limestone is a cliff face, near Old 86, there is a cliff that has broken down to allow two jumps, one 5 feet in the air, one 20. i love this cliff, because you have to climb up one flat side using roots and foot holes to make your way up. the top of the cliff is beautiful, you can see the lake in three directions. i like to do the 20 foot dive, because if you close your eyes, the fall feels just a little too long and makes your stomach twist.

daft punk

my favorite band is daft punk. so i was thrilled that they won 4 grammys last night, but a lot of people did not seem to get them. like the whole robot thing. so this is a 10 min free write about them

they have been called daft punk scence the 90's but they did not take up their iconic helmets until 2000.  before the helmets they wore masks, and face paint to hide  their identity, to make their work about the music not them.

the first helmets had full led wiring and could toggle through faces, and could have words displayed on the screen for their second album Discovery


the next album Human after all, had robots in leather jackets with plain black screens. and no leds in the "ear parts




 in daft punks cameo in tron they both had silver helmets with white led strips, with silver polarized screens
for RAM the helmets look like the HAA helmets but with different outfits, black, gold or silver sport coats with black pants and sparkly heeled boots,


for their Grammy performance they wore white leather, mimicking the black leather of HAA outfits. the helmets where also plain white but with the screens polarized gold and silver respectively.
 

humanities stuff

I had to write some myths for humanities so why not post?

"     i had a old great auntie who let us live in a building she owned. every Sunday mama would fry up some chicken, wrap it up nice on her best plate, dress me in my good clothes, and usher me up the two flights of rickety stairs to auntie’s apartment,balancing the chicken and green beans on her hip with me stumbling after with a basket of biscuits .

     even though aunties apartment was bigger than ours, it always felt cramped. auntie had giant looming furniture  covered in bowls of potpourri  and doilies. auntie would set mama  to work, washing dishes, pinning up the laundry, and raking the carpet. auntie would have me polish all her silver ware and jewelry, whole kitchen lit up with shining silver, but stinking of polish and lavender potpourri.

     after we ate auntie would have mama pull a icebox cake form the fridge, and we would sit around the tv set to watch  Wheel of fortune. we would all try to shout the phrase before the guests, giggling and wiping chocolate wafer crumbs off our faces.   "



name myth

my mother thought if she named my sister after tropical things we would have blissful easy lives.(power of words)

my sister is named after an island. she must have grown to fit her name, or my mother somehow saw the woman she would become(clairvoyance). My sister is unwavering. she is steadfast and strong. she can let you into her heart and you will live in her garden of kindness, carrying you and your troubles on her back. if you come to my sister with no respect, only wanting to take from her, she will sink you. she will pull you under, crack you open and show you your monsters from your own deep, then leave you washed up and parched on her desert beaches of indifference.

i am named after a palm tree.  . i am softer than my sister. i will shade you, i will feed you, i will let you strip me bare and cut me down if you ask. but i will grow. I will twist and turn myself to reach the golden sun(goals) i  cannot make my own place but i will grow in the place i find my self in make mine. my sister may be the stronger sister, but i am soft and kind. i will be the roots that hold the sand on her beach when the ocean tries to wash her away.

clicky clicky clicky

 for comp we had to type for 10 minutes and not use backspace. topic: Lincoln logs. result:

Ok kok kokoko uh I never had linocm logs as a kid. Oops Lincoln logs. Better. Uhhhhhhhhhh I thought the lincolin log ews a little tiki torch otr totum when mrs a was holding it in profile it looks like a ‘A’ in a bloated gont font. Wow I am bad at typing. Im trying not to hit the back space ut I think I have tapped it twice. Also I am bad at spelling a spell cheak is m uy beast freidnf *best friend. Inm im gonna try to type the brown fox jumped over the lazy dog as fast ads I can wacth me here I go

The laxy bron fox jumped over thedog

The lazy brown fox jumped over the dog

Bam got it. Uhhhhh the toys I did have as a kid where mostly beneie babiys beanie babyies babies ugh. I made them little houses out of boxes and suff so the closest to kincolin logs I got eas cardboard and tape ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;uhhh I need to type up my speac h nad my neame myth an oh shi ti used backspace uhhhh I hate black boatd bc it willnot allow copy paste and the wpell check is weird, dude jusr butst out laughing what id his damage OH I just picked out a dermal top I want and I hthink I will get it  little after my bitthday birthday … on woen one hsand hand I want more dermals but on the tognedhfdhdjfhdghlahgahgjarhtu other hand I want a job  dis is

I am a articulate woman.