fear
i am afraid of being a parrent o i am so afraid of messing antoher persdon up. how do you teacha peerson to have morals? to ttttttt olove themselves? i am so afaid. i dont want children but someday my partner might itkdkjfafjklajg i t could tairkdfj tear us apart
i am afraid of adulthood. haveing a job and living on my owh own seems sos so scary. what if i fail.
when i was amall i was afraid of the dark, and of spiders. but those are normal feers fears i thikk think . i am afraid now for filing classes i will have wasted so much money, somuch of peoples time for nothing. i am afraid i will be noyhing. noone will know me love me care about me. i will die . my parents will die my sister and grandmothers will die and i will no longer know the mmm they andi will bcome a faded picture of an unkown aunt when they ment the world tome
i am afaid to walk home at night. if i get hurt it is my fult, i was out at night.
i am afraid of people they can break me. i am afraid my friekdjf my friends do not like me, they are just pretending, and they all tlk talk my greatest fears. i am afraid of sickness they will tke people away. i am afraid of bandswasdafsdgjakhg BANDSAWS they sound loud and have no gard and are so easy to csnap and so easy to cut your finger off eith with. i drop things and i jump i am afaid to smach things. i am afraid of the cold it is so lonely. i am afaid of my self, the call of the void to trow things out windows and jump from high places. i am afraid
Call of the void
call of the void it is those twisty thoughts that pop up out of
nowhere. like wanting to throw things out car windows while driveing or
wanting to jump off of high places. it freaks me out that my mind can
just think of these things swerve in to that light pole. with depression
i am the most afaid, leave and never come bavk swollow a whole bottle
of pills. sometimes i do not know if it is me thinking these things or
the foid. "you are ugly and no one likes tou" me " that sharp peincel
could go right in your eye" void. easy. but somrthines it is harder,
like i dont desere nice things" and trow your pone out of your car. or
compleatly ratonlalizing leaveing every thing and every one because of a
twisty thought . i am afraid of amny things the void says " there is
someone behind you" and my sikin crawls i have to look. the Void says"
soomeone will grab my hand if it hangs off the bed" i pull my hand up
THE Void says many things and i compusive ly listen sometimes other
things freak mo out in the most alameing way like ": that saw could
easly take your hand off, touch it." or "those hedge clippers could cut
right through you dont trip" i think everyone has a little bit of a
void, the devil on your sholder. alarming thoughts from nowhere but how
often is normakl am i sick? do i need to see a head doctor? take pills?
go to a funny farm?
touch it
i always tough
things when i am in a store. pet fuzzy plakents touch the fruit, tap om
boxes . i like to tough things . so i think it is not that weird to have
facxcjv favorite textures,. i love plush things. the foam and stuffing
make the object seem warm and sinking youour sdkfjaks; your hand on to
it is nice. slick things old records, polished steel glazed pots i love
any thing with a gloss, it is cold, and smooth but it has some kind of
underlying texture, ile the grog in clay, the groves of a record, the
feeling of an object being filled with water. as a kid i loved my magig
eight ball, not because of the questions to ask but the feeling of
sometihnig moving trough water and touching the inside, same with stress
balls , felling the sand move in and out kolidascopes with the beads
shifting in your hand and eyes. i hate clod simy things. bacon from the
fridge. half melted icecream, mushrooms in the morning. i hate the
feeling of flesh giving and being cold, leaving things on my hands.
touch it pay it watchit . fsdkfja fff i like to touch sharp things, not
enough to cut or stick my self, but to feel the sharpness, needels,
catui, andclip pins. the surface of water on a dry hand, barely toughing
the water feeling the surface tention move up form the water on to your
hand. pummace stone is lovely shaped to hold but rough to strip away
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